Hello from the other side

It was around this time last year that we decided.

We had just started to heal & move on from the roller coaster of our last round of IVF which resulted in a chemical pregnancy in December. Which normally would have meant for us– time to saddle up & make a go at that very last embryo.

But I just couldn’t.

I was tired.

I was spent- emotionally, physically, mentally, & financially. I couldn’t even fathom the idea of going through it all. Again.

I remember it like it was yesterday. David came home one afternoon around Mardi Gras and we were just chatting. And out of nowhere I said, “I’ve been thinking more & more about adoption lately, babe. I know we still have one more embryo, but I just can’t. I’m done. What do you think?”

“I’ve been patiently waiting for you to bring that up. I didn’t want to push so I didn’t say anything. But I’m in.” he said smiling from ear to ear.

And I balled like a baby!

Once we settled down from the excitement, we got to work. We started researching agencies, we reached out to our dear friend who had adopted the year before for advice & pointers, and we started reading up on all the different ways we could go about it.

It’s pretty safe to say we DOVE IN. Was it scary? Sure!

Was it overwhelming? Of course!

But we knew we had already been through hell & back together. And we knew we could get through anything this adventure would throw at us… together.

My prayer every night from that point on was “Dear God, please just order my steps. Show me what, when, & how to proceed, and I will.”

To explain in detail the journey of what happened after that & over the next year would take all day & night. But I’ve gotten some emails recently asking for an update to our story which totally blew me away. Even though I haven’t written in almost a year, people are still randomly finding the blog & are genuinely interested in what’s going on with us.

I think it’s nuts that this little blog I started to help me iron out my feelings & keep my friends & family updated on our fertility journey has morphed into a resource for so many readers, fellow bloggers, & members of the “broken hearts club.” But I also think it’s quite awesome that it has.

So without getting into too many details, so we can protect the privacy of everyone involved, here’s a timeline of sorts for those of you interested in adoption. Please note that EVERY adoption is different, and this is just our personal experience & story. Buckle up!

Around Mardi Gras (mid-February ’15)- we decided to dive in, and found the agency we wanted to work with.

Beginning of March- we contacted the agency, and they gave us a “pre-application.” This paperwork just basically outlined our general information. We also had to answer questions about why we were interested in adoption, our lifestyle, and our “preferences” (race, medical, disabilities, family histories, etc… which is a whole other subject that I may get into on a later blog post). And we had to acknowledge that we understood how much the adoption fee was.

We were told to expect to wait about 3-6 months for that info to be reviewed & for our actual full Adoption Application to be sent.
The very next day after we submitted our pre-application, we received an email from the agency. Here was the first line-

“Hi David and Emily,

We have received your initial packet and based on your preferences, we are able to send you the full application as well!…”

UMM…WHAT?! 😃

I was equal parts excited, shocked, and scared! lol That was SO fast! What happened to the 3-6 month wait?! I immediately started to question what “based on your preferences” meant. I mean, I knew we were open to many different scenarios & situations, but that one sentence just made me really nervous for some reason.

I’m just going to be completely real here… Racing through my head were thoughts like-

“Did we fill out something wrong? Are we automatically going to get matched with a terminally ill or severely disabled child? Are the other waiting couples’ preferences so narrow that we got bumped to the top of the list? These poor babies! Dear God, please just order my steps. Show me what, when, & how to proceed, and I will.”

Once the initial shock wore off, it was time to get to work on that full application. And, oh my, what a mountain to climb!

Besides the NINE-page application, we also had to complete the following:

•Personal Financial Statement

•Profile, Letter, & Picture Legal Release

•References List (5 different people had to write a letter to our agency answering specific questions about us)

•Grandparent Information Sheet

•Last year’s Tax Return

•Health Insurance Information

•Medical Examination- wife

•Medical Examination- husband

•Medical Examination- other children in home (if applicable)

•Acknowledgement of Receipt of Adoptive Parent Handbook

•Dept. of Children & Family Services Child Welfare State Central Registry Check Request

•LAPD rapsheet disclosure

•LAPD background check

•FBI fingerprint scans

•FBI Criminal History Report

•4 home studies (1 interview together in our home, a seperate interview with each of us, and then a home inspection)

•A profile book with our story, including pictures, to show to potential birth mothers

Needless to say, this took more than a couple of days to complete.

Who am I kidding? It took MONTHS! Forget the mundane gathering of information, the making of (and waiting for) doctors & various government appointments, the obsessive prepping of our house for the home studies … THAT was the easy stuff.

How the hell was I supposed to summarize our life– essentially, WHO WE ARE– into one little book in order to help the birth mother of our child to make the most important decision of ALL of our lives?!?

Can we say- PRESSURE??

Of course, I poured my heart & soul into that book. THAT, to me, was the key to this entire process. If the book isn’t right, if it doesn’t accurately portray us… our personalities… our love… forget it. This book had to be perfect.

I can honestly thank and give credit to Shutterfly.com for making the profile book-making process relatively painless. Once I figured out their design program, I felt unstoppable! And aside from the ONE error I found AFTER we ordered 3 copies of the book…it really was perfect.

In the meantime, one night in late March, while I was putting my organized little adoption binder together (complete with dividers, post-its, & sheet protectors lol) and completing our Health Insurance paperwork, our world got rocked.

David came home from work. Early. Really early. Like, I-just-lost-my-job-what-are-we-gonna-do-EARLY.

Cue the dramatics of me calmly ripping up the insurance paperwork I was working on and throwing it away. I was in total disbelief. After 8 years with this company… Ugh. Don’t even get me started. The oilfield is one shady lil lady.

“Dear God, please just order my steps. Show me what, when, & how to proceed, and I will.”

This by the way, was the night before our first meeting with the director of the agency. Perfect timing, right?

She was great though. She answered all of our questions, assured me that our “preferences” were fine & we didn’t have to accept any situation that made us uncomfortable (and that would not push us to the “bottom of the list”), and she was just so genuine, we really loved her.

The next day, David immediately got busy making contacts & setting up interviews & skills tests in the search for a new job. And after I literally went through the 5 stages of grief over this job loss– lingering in anger for a little longer than I’d like to admit– I finally accepted it & moved on.

After a few patient months, and while David was still searching, our full application was coming together beautifully in my little binder. So much so that the Health Insurance page was the one missing link in turning in our binder & book.
So, I got to thinking.

If our roles were reversed, if David owned his own business & I stayed at home, would this even be an issue?

No it wouldn’t.

Why? Bc he would have bought his own health insurance through his business.

LIGHT. BULB. MOMENT.

I called the agency, explained my idea, and the were like, “Yes! That totally makes sense & works!”

So, off to the “marketplace” I went! But wait. Hold up. Want to meet another ridiculously shady lil lady? Introducing- Mrs. Buy-Your-Own Health Insurance. What a B•+€#!!!

After weeks.. literally WEEKS of frustrating phone calls every day after work, we finally were approved for a policy that worked for us. A stupid-expensive policy, but a policy nonetheless. Thank God I knew this would be only temporary until David started working again.

So, by mid-July we were all set!

We made a day out of the little drive to drop off our book & binder. And all of a sudden, it was out of our hands. Our work was done. Now, we just wait. Good thing we have lots of practice with that, right? lol

In late-July we had an “almost” match. We were asked if our book could be shown to a pretty much picture perfect birth mom. Um, yea!!?! After a couple of days we found out we were one of four couples she was considering. But then she picked another couple. And we later found out it was because, after reading all of our books, she decided she wanted her baby to be placed with a family who already had other kids.

I’m not going to say it didn’t hurt. But somehow I knew that it just wasn’t meant to be. That wasn’t our baby.

Talk about God’s Grace just covering & protecting my heart. My prayer was working. I knew it. Old Emily would’ve totally been torn apart by that. I remember thinking, “maybe I really am a well-adjusted, non-dramatic person in real life now that I don’t have a metric ton of IVF hormones raging through my system…. Nahh, totally God’s Grace!” LOL 😂

In early August, David was hired with a company he had previously worked for. He was working offshore again, which isn’t ideal. But we couldn’t complain. It was a good job with good benefits. And everything was finally getting back to normal.

We were prepared to wait about a year. That’s what all the “experts” say. So we settled back into our waiting game, and went on with our lives. Little did we know that only six weeks later, we’d get THE call that would throw us into a crazy whirlwind & change our lives FOREVER…

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“Dear God, please just order my steps. Show me what, when, & how to proceed, and I will.”

CD53 for the win!

Hey guys,
Just thought I should write real quick in case any of you were wondering how this week went. I’ve had a couple people ask for an update, so here goes:

If you remember, last time I wrote, if I didn’t start CD1 by Monday I was going to have to call the doctor & make another appointment to figure out our options… more meds or surgery to get rid of the cyst.

Well, Monday morning came around, and still nothing. I ate breakfast, watched TV for a little while, and right before I was about to make the call, I decided to go to the bathroom. Well, lo & behold… guess what… I finally started! On CD53, Aunt Flow gracefully arrived for her 4 day stay. I was expecting it to be horrid, but it really wasn’t… on the physical side. The emotional side is a whole other story. But I’m just blaming that on my progesterone levels finally coming down. Yea… totally the hormones’ fault… I’m not owning any of that.

If you were one of those people who prayed for this situation: THANK YOU. Honestly, those words can’t express the gratitude I feel for your support.

If you’re one of those people who just doesn’t know how to talk to me about any of this, so you just don’t: I understand. I wouldn’t know what to say either.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read my previous posts. 😉

Once we wrap our heads around this, and take a little more time to process, I’ll probably update you again. We’ve been talking a lot. And there are a bunch of things that are just up in the air. But for now, here’s what I absolutely do know:

Prayers work.
Red lipstick is like armor.
Bling is the best distraction.
I’m married to a hormone-proof super hero.

And we have one embryo left.

“Wait. What?”

If you’re expecting an amazing update on our fertility journey, I hate to break it to you: there isn’t one.

Multiply the frustration that fosters up for you by about 674,832, and “Hi. I’m Emily.”

If this five-year fertility challenge has been the ultimate test in patience (as some of you have speculated), I think I deserve a medal. Or a cookie. Or SOMETHING. Maybe like a title? I don’t know… How about “Emily of Louisiana- the Princess of ‘Wait. What?'”

That’s what I find myself saying every time I go to the doctor, “Wait. What?” It’s a constant battle of confusion & frustration versus acceptance & “we’ve got this.” We know God is the ultimate story teller, and ours is no different. But a glimpse of our happy ending would be much appreciated right now.  As most of you know, neither David nor I have been diagnosed with anything specific in regards to our fertility troubles. Nothing is “wrong.” Which, in turn, just leads to more frustration & confusion.

The latest installment of “Wait. What?” has been very, very sneaky. It has slyly, little by little, day by day, slithered into our lives. And has literally forced us into a break.

-Warning- if you’re not a fan of TMI, I encourage you to skip this next couple of paragraphs.

After we learned about the chemical pregnancy on Dec 20th, my doctor ordered me to stop all medications. Soon after, on 12/26 my Cycle Day 1 (CD1) arrived (for those of you who aren’t privy to fertility terms: my period started…the day after Christmas). It was normal, and came & went in about 4 days. We weren’t ready at that point to dive right back in, because frankly we were getting over a devastating loss… and we kinda still are.

We went about our normal lives after the holidays. I tried to get back to work, not without some major challenges (see previous post). I had quite a few breakdowns in January. But I hid them well… at least I think I did. The days came & went, and came & went. And soon I found myself wondering, “Isn’t my next CD1 supposed to be here? It’s like CD35….hmm.” I learned long ago that I can NEVER get excited about that like other gals can. It most likely doesn’t mean something great. But, then again, you never know.

By the time CD40 came around, I decided to go ahead & take a pregnancy test. Could this be IT? Could, after all of this time & after all of these procedures & all of this money spent, could we just get naturally pregnant the month after a miscarriage?? It’s definitely possible! Anything is possible. Is it probable, though? Of course not. And just like that, 2.5 minutes later, we’re back to square one. Negative.

So I called my RE’s office, and we set up blood work & an ultrasound for the next day to see what was going on. After all, it could be a false negative. But either way, we need to find out.

Long story short, the ultrasound showed a cyst that was forming… gggggggrrrrreat. And my blood work confirmed that I am indeed not preggers (Newsflash!). But it also showed I still have a high level of progesterone in my system. It’s probably “leftover” from my last IVF cycle.

Cue the “Wait. What?” confusion, because I’ve already had a period since then… so that doesn’t make any sense to me. But anything’s possible, right? (Seriously…WHERE is that eye-rolling emoji when you need it?!?!?)

My doctor told me to wait it out for about two more weeks to see what happens. A lot of times, these things just even themselves out with time. If that’s not my case, (which c’mon is my case EVER that easy?), I have to call them to set up an appointment for more blood work & to decide what our next step is. It may be more shots, it may be a surgery. We won’t be sure until the results come back.

So that’s where we are. Cycle Day 51. If I don’t start by Monday, I have to make the call.

I’ve been trying to keep my mind off of it. Just letting the time pass on it’s own. I mean, worrying about it won’t make the time pass any faster; I know that. But I also feel like these past 51 days have turned this from a fertility journey into a “let’s make Emily actually function again” journey. And I hate that.

Have I ruined myself over these past 5 years? Probably.
Is it some sort of sign? Most likely.
But when, and where, and what would you stop at to get your babies?

.

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ONE. EMBRYO. LEFT.

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And we have the feeling that something BIG is on the horizon.
Prayers welcomed.

Oh joy..

Look what I get to learn about during this new BodyFlow release…
And from a pregger gal too! Yaaaay

No escape, I tell ya.

Focus, focus, focus.

Creativity, come to me!

It’s no secret in the IVF world that all these hormones, shots, & medications can severely alter your personality & moods. What a lot of people don’t know is that, as a woman, having ANY issues in the stomach or reproductive areas has a direct link to creativity & focus.

As I am a group fitness instructor & choreographer, you can imagine how thrilled I was to figure THAT one out the hard way (insert eye-rolling, sarcastic emoji… Seriously, why has that not been invented yet?!).

It took me a good 4 to 5 months into last year to realize that is what was happening to me. Of course, not without me beating myself up for not having new dances first. I was SO hard on myself. My clients deserved fun, new, exciting music & dances. And in the past, that was the easiest & most fun part of my job. But then, one day. I just couldn’t do it.
Like, I literally sat down with my iTunes & a note pad, and devoted ALL day to choreo (which I affectionately call “the Choreo-Zone).

Two years ago, the fruit of that labor would’ve been at least 8-10 new dances. That day- ZERO.

Then, I tried to learn my BodyFlow choreography. I don’t have to make that program up, it’s done for me. I just have to learn it. But still, what used to take me 8 hours was now taking me over a week!

I just couldn’t focus. And then I got mad at myself for not being able to do the job that I loved so very much. The one thing that used to come so naturally to me was now the hardest part of my job.

Can we say FRUSTRATING?!?

On top of all the other crap I had to go through as an IVF patient, THIS TOO?! It’s already taking over my personal life, it’s going to take my professional life now too? It was a serious WTF moment… Like an every day for months: WTF?!
DAILY WTFs?!?!?! lol

So I went back to teaching after every “break” wishing I had brand new stuff to teach, but instead covering it up with “throwback playlists” and “fan favorites” etc. My amazing students were fantastic about it! I mean, it is hard not to have fun doing Zumba. But still. I feel like I owe them more.

That brings me to today.
I’m putting my big girl panties on & I’m heading into the Choreo-Zone. What will come from it, I have NO idea. I’m a little nervous. But, by golly, I’m going to try my hardest!!

It’s time to kick these crazy ass side effects to the curb! I will not give in! Time to FOCUS!!!

Please send your creative vibes to me!! I promise I’ll soak them up as best as I can!! ¡¡Olé!! lol

THANK YOU!!
Emily

ps- I just want to thank you all for the outpouring of love, support, & prayers you sent me for “coming out” last week.
The night I published the last post I wrote, so many people I don’t even know personally messaged me with such gratitude for doing it. WE ARE NOT ALONE. And it’s not a bad thing that we should be ashamed of!!!
So, truly, thank you for embracing such a scary step for me. Big love to all of you!!! ❤️

Processing…

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while now, but I wasn’t quite sure how to go about it.

For some reason, I feel the pull to be completely open & honest with everyone about what’s been going on with me the past couple of weeks/months/years. But to be honest, I think I’m still processing it. A lot of the time, writing on this blog helps me to do just that: process. It helps me to organize my thoughts, and makes me assign & recognize my feelings about those thoughts. So I decided to just sit down, start typing, and see what comes out.

After a lot of contemplation, I’ve also decided to completely “come out” about our struggles with fertility in 2015. You may recall, a few months ago, I decided to “come out” on Instagram, but I wasn’t quite ready for my Facebook world to know everything. In the name of privacy, I’m sure you can understand where that comes from. But I’ve seen friend after friend drop hints, have vague statuses (that only IVFers would understand), and reach out on Facebook. All of them feeling alone in this. I’ve done my best to message them & reassure them that they are not alone. And I’ve actually become close to quite a few of those brave women.

But that got me thinking.
How many of my friends, or maybe even just acquaintances, are out there facing the world of fertility challenges or IVF who haven’t reached out?
This post is for them: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

David and I have been trying to conceive for five long years now. And we’ve tried everything.

Infertility (IF) does not discriminate. Every color, nation, religion, political sect, & gender has it’s share of IF in it’s people. In fact, one in every eight couples faces it. One in EIGHT!

Let me just say up front– I don’t write this blog for sympathy or attention.  Writing is a form of therapy for me. I share this blog with my family & friends to keep them updated, because talking out loud about it is still sometimes very difficult for me. And I’m now sharing it with the world to hopefully help other people cope with or understand what they or someone they are close to is going through. If this can become a resource or an outlet for someone else, then I know my struggles are not in vain. Every time I ask myself, “Why now?” The only answer I can come up with is, “Why not now?”

If this is the first time you’ve visited my blog, I invite you to get up to speed by visiting my “Quick ART Stats” page (ART= Assisted Reproductive Technology),or feel free to browse my past posts. (Warning: some of the posts aren’t about IF at all, they’re just things I thought were funny, but inappropriate for facebook lol)

I promised the rest of you an update.
So here goes:

The last time I updated you guys, I had just come off of cancelled cycle because we were having trouble getting my uterine lining prepped for an IVF Frozen Embryo Transfer (FRET). The minimum uterine lining measurement my doctor will work with for a FRET is an 8.0, but we kept getting 6s. For weeks & weeks I was on an extensive hormone and red raspberry tea capsule regimen tying to get my lining to grow. I finally got up to a 9.1, scheduled my FRET, went in for my final check-up, just to find out it had gone back down to a 7.5. So they cancelled that cycle. TOTAL BUMMER.

Six weeks of hormones down. the. toilet. Not to mention all the moola that went with it.

Anyway, once CD1 (cycle day 1, aka: my period) arrived, we were ready to start fresh.
Not as in “fresh IVF,” because we still had 5 frozen embryos, but “fresh” in the sense of starting over. A new day, a new dawn, a new cycle.

On CD14, I had my ultrasound & blood work, and we started a combo of meds for the books: Lupron shots in the stomach every day, Vivelle patches (worked up to 4, switching twice per week), Estrace inserts three times per day, Delestrogen shots in the hip twice per week, 2 red raspberry tea leaf capsules at every meal, and of course my morning pre-natal vitamins & my nightly baby aspirins. This protocol lasted two weeks. This was also about the time I realized (out of shear necessity, because David was at work) that I could give myself my own intramuscular hip shots.. Go me!! lol I’ve always done the stomach ones, but hips were a whole other story. I told David after I conquered that, that I felt like a bad-ass warrior princess. It’s true! Small victories can mean so much throughout this process.

Speaking of small victories, at my very FIRST lining check this round, my uterine lining was a 9.3!!!
Wait, WHAT!?! YES!! A NINE point freaking THREE! We were so pumped! All that time during the previous cycle just trying to reach an 8, and this round we had already blown that out of the water at the FIRST check. Pumped was not even the word. ELATED is more like it.

Of course, they always need that second number to compare to the first reading. So we went back three days later to check in on the lining, and it had increased to a 10.4. Perfect! As long as it didn’t decrease, we were in business. So that day, they took me off of the Lupron, and put me on daily Progesterone hip shots. (Note: I feel like I have to add that during this round, the hormones didn’t have NEARLY the emotional toll that they’ve had in the past. We were quite pleased with that). They like you to be on Progesterone for at least 5 days before a transfer, so they scheduled my FRET for December 9th. Can we say whirlwind?

The moment we scheduled for 12/9 I felt instant clarity on why my last cycle was cancelled. This was God’s way of setting us up for a Christmas miracle! Everything had gone so perfectly with this round. How could it not be?

Those next five days flew by so fast. We added the standard steroid & anti-biotic to my meds protocol. And all of a sudden, it was transfer day.

Have you ever been crazy-excited-nervous and incredibly calm at the same time? Talk about a surreal feeling.

While we were waiting for the procedure, my doctor came into the room for us to sign our final paperwork regarding the embryos. Going into this round, we had 5 embryos left.  And we had signed the paperwork a couple of weeks beforehand stating that we’d like to thaw & transfer 2 of them this round. Welp, those two embryos didn’t survive the thawing process. So they had to thaw two more for us to transfer that day…hence, the paperwork. At first, I was really upset. But David & my doctor both helped soothe me by reminding me that we still had TWO embryos to transfer and one still frozen.  Some couples aren’t that lucky even in a fresh IVF cycle. So once that was put into perspective, I felt much better. I think the Valium they gave me next had a little bit to do with it too.

The transfer went perfectly. Here’s a little pic I put together to kinda sum up the day:

Valium is conducive to duck-face apparently… lol

Anyway, my lining was around an 11, and the procedure went off without a hitch. We waited in our room for about 30 minutes, and then we were released to go home.

I was ordered three days of strict bed rest, two days of light bed rest, and then I could go back to “normal activity, but no strenuous exercise.” If you know me, you know that’s not “normal activity” for me…not exercising. I had gotten substitute teachers/angels to teach my classes while I was out. Meanwhile, I was going stir-crazy at home. But I was also relishing in the fact that I was PUPO! For you non-TTC peeps, that’s: Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. It made me giddy just thinking about it!! I was PUPO! EEK!

The next few days draggggggged on & on. I was still on all my meds, so that kinda helped pass the time. But it’s very hard to find things to do when you’re not supposed to DO anything. No cleaning, no lifting/organizing, which meant NO Christmas decorating. I literally watched TV for almost 2 weeks. I can’t say I hated it though… I guess sometimes we all need a break. I felt so bad for my subs. I knew my clients were going to be asking them where I was eventually. And I could imagine them reenacting that scene from Dirty Dancing when the manager asks Johnny where Penny is, and he’s all like “She’s on a break! She NEEDS a break!” hahahaha I think I was getting delirious.

Finally, the day of the pregnancy test came. I must admit though, in the spirit of true honesty, I had gotten too anxious and did an EPT at home the day before. It was negative, so I went into the appointment with 24 hours of acceptance under my belt. I knew about (and believed in) the possibility of a false negative because it was so early. But I was also prepared mentally & emotionally just in case.

I took the blood test at 10am, and then we decided to go to a neutral place to get the news.

We’ve done it two other ways in the past:
1. We took the test, and headed home so we could be in the comfort of our home to get the news. Either way, however it went, we thought this would be nice. Wrong. There’s a specific spot on my sofa that I look at with disdain because that’s where I was sitting when we got the news that our last IVF had failed. Never again.
2. We waited out the hour at the office to get the results right then & there. I’ve seen other people do this, and they got to celebrate with the nurses & doctor; that looked so special. But, we of course,  got bad news and had to wait an hour in a conference room afterwards (see previous posts for details) because the doctor wanted to talk to us about what happened.

Either way, we hated both of those experiences. So this time, we decided to go somewhere neutral. Somewhere nice, that would be a great spot to re-visit & tell our kids about if we got a BFP (big, fat positive). But also somewhere that we wouldn’t ever have to revisit, and we could just leave the news there if it was a BFN. So we decided on the beautiful Audubon Park. It was a gorgeous day, and the park is only about a 15 minute drive from the doctor’s office. So it was perfect.

We were able to spend the hour in peace. We watched some ducks and swans swim, we walked around the park a little bit, people watched. It was really lovely. We chatted about what we were going to do if it was a BFP, how we were going to tell our families…it is Christmas time after all, we could do something really fun with that. We also chatted about how to handle another BFN. God’s timing is perfect, and we just kept reminding ourselves of that fact.

And after about an hour & a half of waiting, the call finally came in.

I made David answer the phone because I was too nervous. He just kept nodding and saying, “Uh huh, ok….I understand… Ok…Uh huh…yes ma’am…”  I was looking at him like “WHHHAAATT?!?!?!?!” And he did that thing with his hands where it’s not a thumbs up, or a thumbs down, it’s like a flat hand tilt, meaning “kinda.” He finally got off the phone, and I was begging him to just TALK already.

He said, “That was Mrs. Mary. And we’ve got a B….F….. M.”

“Wait. WHAT??!@#$%^&*(*&^%$#@?
What does that even mean? A big, fat, MAYBE?!”

In a nutshell (and being very basic), when doing a blood pregnancy test, they’d like to see your level (your “Beta”) at a 20 or above. And they’d like to see that number at least double every 2 days. In the past, all of our other betas were always a flat ZERO. Nothing. Nada. Ziltch.

But this time was different. This time it was a 9.5!! So yes, BFM it is! lol

But what do we do with that?
Well, Mary told David to be “cautiously optimistic,” because it could just mean that one or both of the embryos implanted late, which is why the Beta is lower. She said she has seen live, healthy births come from beta tests that were under 20. So they wanted to see me first thing Saturday morning (this past Saturday if you’re counting) to draw the 2nd beta to really see what’s going on.

More. waiting…

The agony of not knowing is the hardest part. But I was holding on to the fact that I was still PUPO, and that we didn’t get horrible news for the first time EVER!! So we celebrated! I excitedly & giddily cried for a little while. David couldn’t stop hugging me. We were just SO happy. A BFM…who would’ve ever imagined?
We ate at Superior Grill, finished up some Christmas shopping in the city, and then headed home.

Saturday soon came, and it was a dreary day. Rainy, cold, foggy, the works. We got up early and we were at the office by 7:45… talk about excited! We couldn’t go back to the park to get the news because it was so nasty outside, so we decided to go get beignets for breakfast, and then proceeded to roam around New Orleans for about two hours. I was getting worried because it was taking so long for them to get back to us, so I asked David to just drive to Audubon Park so we could at least be there again where we had gotten such fun news two days before. We stayed in the car, nervously waiting. It was Saturday, so we had no idea how long it would take to get the labs back.

Right when we were trying to decide if we should just head home or not, my phone then rang with a 504 number that I didn’t recognize. My stomach turned. I got out of the car (don’t know why), and I nervously answered. It was my doctor calling from his personal phone… The second beta was a 2.5.

He explained that the decreasing number meant that it was a bio-chemical pregnancy, the earliest form of miscarriage, and that the only reason we knew about it was because we had done IVF and tested so early. He was so sympathetic, and trying to comfort me. But I just wanted to hang up & disappear into David’s chest.

I wept.

Still processing.

One. Embryo. Left.

***

Bless his lil heart

Today, while shopping, I ended up behind this teenager who was pushing the shopping cart for his mom.

At first, I thought, “Aww how sweet.”

Then, I saw it.

His school uniform pants (which were belted by the way) were lodged under his butt checks. Obviously this was on purpose as they were not loose by any means.

To top it off, he was wearing tightie whities.

That’s not even the worst part. Before I could make myself look away, something disgusting caught my eye.
In the middle of said tightie whities, was a faint, long, yellow-brownish, vertical line. Poor baby must have sharted (shit-farted) sometime during the day & didn’t notice.

Although my heart goes out to him, as I passed them, I just smiled & nodded. Because after all, that tight-pants-but-still-showing-draws trend needs to end. And if it takes gut-wrenching embarrassment to do so, then so be it.
No one wants to see your goodies, boys. Pull up your pants!

Bless his lil heart.

Halloween is hard.

That moment you realize that “4 years” just turned into “5 years.”
And it happens to inconveniently hit you while you’re giving out the first handful of Halloween candy.
Yea. Not fun.

It’s surreal. To think we’ve been in it for this long…  We’ve been trying to conceive for FIVE freakin’ years.

Forget surreal. It’s depressing is what it is.

How many couples do you know who have been together for 12 years, married for almost 8, and still don’t have any children?  I have a feeling the next time someone throws one of those assuming “y’all must not want kids” comments my way, it won’t be pretty.
(Please pardon my dramatics… I’m coming down hard off of a six week hormone binge lol)

I tried really hard tonight to finish giving out candy for Halloween. But you’re reading the fruits of that labor.
You know it’s bad when the cute fireman who could barely string the words together says “tic o teeeeee!” and you tear up.
After I gave him his bounty, I said to myself, “forget this shit.” I made a sign to put next to the candy so kids could help themselves, and I hauled ass into my room to write this post.

–I HAVE JUST GOT TO GET IT OUT–

Let’s just say it: Halloween is HARD for us reproductively challenged people!!
Am I right?? Think about it… little Elsa princesses, little Toddler Mutant Ninja Turtles, little families…  (sigh)
It’s cuteness overload!!! And I just can’t take it anymore!

Since David’s working nights, it was up to me to hand out the candy alone.
Mistake #1: No support.
Mistake #2: thinking I could do it even though I just came off of all the hormones I’ve been on for the past 6 weeks… 2 days ago… cold turkey… bc of my stupid cancelled fret cycle.

I’ve never had a cancelled cycle before, but I can’t say I was shocked. I’ve had a tiny feeling something wasn’t right for about 3 weeks now. I just didn’t say anything bc I didn’t want to speak it into existence. We had been having trouble getting my uterine lining to grow… which had NEVER happened before. I was on meds for a couple of extra weeks to try to get it to measure an 8, so we could do a frozen transfer. But I kept getting 6s.

Then FINALLY, last week, it measured a 9.1!! I was pumped! So we scheduled the fret for 10/30.

I went in on 10/29 (Wednesday) for my final check-up & blood work  before the transfer, and I was back down to a 7.5.
So my RE decided to cancel the cycle & start completely over on CD1 (once Aunt Flo visits).

You’d think I’d be frustrated & very upset; and don’t get me wrong, I kinda am. But I’d much rather cancel a cycle bc something’s not right than go ahead & do it, get another negative, and end up wasting 2 more embryos. To me, that would be WAY more devastating.

I’m not gonna lie, the past 2 days have been really rough coming off those steady doses of estrogen & progesterone. I can’t even tell you how crazy I feel at any given moment… it’s very hard to explain.

I can tell you that I’m definitely already ready for my next cycle though.

And I find my perspective on all of this has shifted as well:
In the beginning, I was all positivity, all the time. Like, “this is SO going to work. THIS is the one!”
Then, we started getting burned. A lot. So it shifted into a kinda negative/realist point of view. Like “this could go right. But this, that, and this could happen. So don’t jump the gun.” I was kinda setting my self up for the possibility of failure, bc I fell so long & hard the previous times, that I wanted to prepare myself for the worst. (Does that even make sense? I don’t even know.)
Now, I feel like I’m going into things from a place of acceptance. Like, “whatever happens is supposed to happen. Just do your best, and let God handle the rest.”

It’s A LOT more calming to come from that place than either of the other two.  I feel like it kinda takes the load off of my shoulders, and puts it where it belongs anyway- in God’s hands. Why has it taken me this long to get there? I don’t know. Maybe that was the lesson in all of this, and maybe it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

No one knows. But I guess we’ll eventually find out, won’t we?

I must be a really slow learner 😉 lol

Prayer request-

Y’all. I have FIVE personal friends (including me) going through IVF currently. We’re all at different stages, but we all NEED your prayers!
We all deserve this & have been trying for SO LONG.
Will you join me in prayer today?

Dear God,
Please let it be Your will that these cycles work. We conceive. We have full term & healthy pregnancies. And we all result in having live births, & happy, thriving babies.
For we know that every true, good, and pure thing comes from above. ❤️
In Jesus’ name,
AMEN

Promises, promises…

Having issues FOCUSING today!! AGH!!
This is a SUPER-crazy-busy week, so please send prayers my way!

Also- I’ve been pondering this lately:

I hear/read a lot about believing/trusting/having faith in God’s promises for our lives. Which I’m all about!
But what if you’re not sure exactly what God has promised you?
Like, has God promised me motherhood? I don’t even know.
How do you have faith in a promise that’s undefined?
I have total faith in the fact that God’s plan for my life will far exceed anything I could ever imagine.
I believe in God’s plan for the greater good. But I just don’t quite know exactly WHAT He’s promised me.

Does that make any sense? I don’t even know…