I received the link to this powerful video tonight from a dear friend (who also happens to be in the Broken Hearts Club). It put a lot of things into perspective for me. And it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear tonight. I know I’ll be leaning on this notion a lot in the coming months, so I just wanted to share it. I hope it can help someone else as much as it has helped me:
VIDEO: God could have left Job alone
Goodnight 🙂
Love,
Em
Hey guys,
I’m so sorry I haven’t updated y’all in a while. The past couple of weeks have been really rough.
It’s been really hard to keep the faith when I’m not working towards anything. This waiting game is sometimes worse than being in the thick of the treatments. Add to that the fact of being completely medication free for the first time in nine months, and you get a wonderful cocktail affectionately known (to me anyway) as “The Crazy Lady.”
Have you ever had one of those days (ladies: you know what I mean) when your tears are right behind your eyes just waiting for the perfect time to strike? Any little thing might set-them off & you’re feeling like a ticking time bomb just hoping not to go off on the wrong person or in the wrong place or time? I’m not talking anger here, I’m talking about that crazy stress-cry that you have no idea where it’s coming from, but you know it’s there…just…lingering, mocking you even. Welp, that’s been me for the past 10 days or so. At first I thought it was just because I was about to have one of those hardcore, punch-you-in-the-junk, warpath periods. But then that came, was really “strange” (I’ll spare you the gory details), and then left a day later. I was all like, “hey, cool, at least that wasn’t too bad.” But then I kept thinking about it. It was really strange….
Enter: anxiety attacks #1 & 2.
Apparently, as much as I try to just “handle” everything, I can’t. Especially with “Crazy Lady” lounging around my head like she owns the place. Now I’m not quite sure what the difference is between anxiety attacks & panic attacks, but I like to use anxiety because it sounds nicer than full on panic lol… But whatever it was, it wasn’t pretty. And I was home alone, so each one took me about an hour to settle down from. See, my calming force (aka David) was at work. I was alone, having chest pains, and couldn’t breathe. Scared. So I did the only thing that I could think of to calm myself down. In between deep, struggled breaths, I just kept whispering, “Jesus, take this away.” My breathing started to calm down & eventually I found myself just resting. Both times, looking back, it was triggered with 1) that strange period & 2) the thought of the possibility of having to apply for a loan for the second round of IVF. So I called David and told him that I just couldn’t do that. I don’t know why I feel so strongly about it. I just do. And if it saves me from another one of those episodes, I’m putting that application in the shredder. Once I told him about what had happened, he urged me to call my doctor. Having peace of mind over this “strange” start to my cycle, we thought, would be the first step towards “Crazy Lady” exiting the premises.
So after a long call to my IVF nurse, and yet another big fat negative pregnancy test, we concluded that I may have a cyst and that I should go into the office for blood work and an ultrasound to see what’s going on. Here we friggin’ go again….I couldn’t roll my eyes big enough at this situation.
Since my mom is furloughed, thanks to our oh-so-efficient government, she was able to ride with me to New Orleans. So that was nice. At least I didn’t have to worry about feeling faint & not being able to drive home after the blood work. The ultrasound took much longer than it normally does. Everything was looking fine, but the tech knew that she was looking for a cyst. So she just kept searching….and searching…and found nothing! SO good news, right?! Well….wrong; because now that strange period means much more than a simple cyst. I was called into a meeting with my doctor to talk about what could be going on. He said it would take about an hour to get the results of my blood work back; but from the looks of the ultrasound, he concluded that I didn’t actually start my cycle. And he would bet that it was because my hormones were out of balance. Then he asked it. The question that made EVERYTHING make sense: “Have you been overly emotional lately?”
HAVE I BEEN OVERLY EMOTIONAL???? Ummm..YEA…I’d say so!!! lol
So I explained to him how I’ve been feeling the past couple of weeks. And he was confident that my hormones were out of balance. It’s no wonder…this is the first full month that I have not taken any form of hormones since January. My body is just not used to having to run on it’s own anymore I guess. The blood work confirmed everything. So he prescribed a medication to balance me out & kick start my real cycle. So I took my little paper & we went on our way.
Because I had to go to work as soon as I got home, I wasn’t able to drop off my Rx until that night. Then I had to pick it up the next afternoon after I taught a class. And of course, in true complicated Emily fashion, my REAL cycle started BEFORE I could take the first pill. Awesome. what does this even mean?!?! I DON’T KNOW. And the doctor’s office was closed so I couldn’t find out. This set me off into…well…we’ll call it: “Episode 3.” It was so bad that I got nauseous and light headed. Obviously my hormones were still off, so David convinced me to still take the medicine anyway.
It was a big adjustment at first, but today I’m finally feeling like Emily. No Crazy Lady in sight!!! I have to confess that it worries me that “non-medicated Emily” is more volatile than “medicated Emily.” And it worries me that “medicated Emily” feels more like just normal “Emily” used to. But it’ll have to do for now…. Hey! At least now I know I don’t have to search for a padded room. I CAN get this under control & that’s a HUGE relief!
So that’s where we are. I’m going to wait out this cycle to try to get balanced. But this also means that we can’t try IVF again until January 😦
See, an IVF cycle is actually six weeks long instead of four; and my doctor’s IVF lab closes during the month of December for it’s yearly routine maintenance (and for the Holidays, I’m sure). So that leaves half of October & all of November, which wouldn’t be enough time for me to get balanced & have a full IVF cycle before they close.
Maybe all of this is a blessing in disguise. David’s sign that we were supposed to be going this route was that God always found a way to provide us with the funds for the procedures & medications when we needed them. Now we have three more months to prepare & save rather than having to get a loan. And THAT I can count as a win!
Thanks for all the comments, prayers, & support! They mean a lot!! Also, please don’t feel as though you need to walk on egg shells around me; I’m fine now, and I’m kinda looking forward to having a few stress-free months.
Love,
Emily
faithinfertile 