So…what’s next?

“So…what’s next?”

I’ve been asked that question a lot lately…actually I’ve been asking myself that question a lot for the past 3 years.

The answer always goes something like this: “Well, IF_______, then _____.  But IF _____, then _______.”

I find it rather amusing that the abbreviation for “infertility” is “IF.” What better way to describe the journey?   When you’re in the thick of it, you literally have at least two “ifs” every single night. It can go something like this:  “I have to inject these shots in my stomach tonight. When I go into the office tomorrow, IF the ultrasound shows follicles that measure 18 or greater, then we can go ahead to the next step. But IF they aren’t, I have to come home and take more shots & go back the next day.”

Seriously, day to day, week to week, you have NO IDEA what you may or may not be doing. Your life is completely up in the air & FULL of IFS. It’s exhausting. Not to mention, those daily (or every other day) trips to the office for us are 45-60 minutes ( depending on traffic) each way. That’s a huge chunk of your day!  I’m not complaining, I mean, I’d do anything for the chance to be a mommy. It can just take a toll is all.

Anyway, for us, what’s next? We’re just waiting. Not much has happened since the end of August when we received the horrible news that our first in-vitro fertilization didn’t work. We had a sort of “wrap-up” consultation with our doctor about what happened. And we were actually very comforted by his findings. Aside from the fact that we love him & his views on God & life in general, he really did give us a huge ray of hope.

See, in TWO PERCENT of cases in our category (under 40 years old, healthy, “good eggs,” “motile” sperm) there comes the need to perform an extra step during the IVF process called ICSI (Intro-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection). In a nutshell, this procedure literally takes one sperm and injects it directly into an egg while in the petri dish. Ideally, (and certainly expectedly in our case), the sperm would just automatically fertilize with the eggs once in the dish. But during our IVF, the unexpected occurred, and NONE of my eggs would fertilize. Almost like the sperm were like “oh no, uh-uh, we are NOT going in there!” lol
So when this happened, our doctor realized we fell into that “special” 2% and in an effort to save the eggs he decided to try an emergency ICSI a full 24 hours after (if he had known we needed it) it should have been initially done. He called this the “most expensive fertility test in the world.” lol  Seriously, because of the category we fall into, he said that prior to our IVF he was looking for a reason to do ICSI and found not one, so he proceeded accordingly.  And only through seeing how the sperm & egg interacted (or didn’t) in the dish did he see that we needed ICSI. From his rescue efforts, we ended up having one egg that developed into a blastocyst. So we implanted that one and prayed & hoped for the best. He did prepare us for the worst though. He told us that with these circumstances, we had a 10% chance of getting that positive result.
Even though we knew all of this, I couldn’t dwell on it. During the week of bed rest after the procedure, I had to keep my hopes up. I prayed a lot, watched movies, ate, and ate more… lol..and visited with a ton of awesome friends. I couldn’t let myself dwell on the “IFS” or I would’ve gone crazy. I just kept telling myself, “It only takes one, Em. It only takes one.” David was really great about it too. He’s just too good to me.

Anyway, it wasn’t until a week later, when we went into the office & got that big, fat negative pregnancy test, that it all really sunk in. A 10% chance of positive, is also a 90% chance of negative. The odds were stacked against us, I had just refused to acknowledge it.  The car ride home was a mess. I was in shock for about 20 minutes, and then all of a sudden I hit an ugly cry that I had never experienced before. Poor David. As I look back, I realize that he
was my rock, my foundation, my shoulder to cry on. But I was so busy falling apart, who was holding him together? I can only thank God that his faith is so strong that he knew who he could turn to. I sure do love that man. I think once everything really settled in, I was ok. Or at least I like to tell myself that…nothing’s been quite the same since then, but I’m trying. It’s almost like I experienced a death. A death of something that was never alive. But in my heart it was alive. And that was really hard to release…. ok sorry…I went off on a tangent…my mind wanders to that time often….

Back to the ray of hope from our doctor!! He said that now that we KNOW we HAVE to do ICSI, he can do it immediately after my eggs are harvested & the chances of pregnancy skyrocket back up to well above FIFTY PERCENT!!!! Praise God! That’s exciting!

So that’s where we’re at. Just waiting for my body (and our bank account) to be ready to start the process again. But this time, we’re pros! We now know exactly WHY we were never able to get pregnant on our own (apparently our spermies & eggies just don’t get along lol), and we know EXACTLY how to fix it! I’m counting that as a big, fat WIN!!! I will definitely post when we start the process again, and probably beg for your prayers daily; but until then we’re just trying to get back to life as we know it. Last week was ROUGH (with a capital UGH!)… remind me to write a post about how I think the injectable medications have mood stabilizers in them; because trust me, coming off of them cold turkey AIN’T NOTHIN PRETTY!!!  But this week has been SO much better; even though it’s only Tuesday, I’m counting that as a win too!

Thanks for stopping in & checking on us.  I’ll write again soon.  In the meantime, please just keep us in your prayers!
OH! and also, comments are VERY welcome on this blog– they make me feel super special 😛  heheehe
We love you all!!!
Emily

Jeremiah was a bullfrog…

Today was a great day!
We went to church this morning & heard a verse that just stuck with me. Have you ever had that happen? You’re sitting there listening intently, the pastor says something that rings through your core & you’re just stuck with it all day. That’s what happened to me today.
It was Jeremiah 29:11:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you…plans to give you hope and a future.”

Whoa.
I mean…whoa.

I so needed to be reminded of that after the week I had.

For the first few days of the week I had been struggling with our decision to try IVF again. Is it the right thing? Can we afford it? Is THIS what we are supposed to be doing? I needed some direction, some kind of sign to reassure me that what we were planning was the right thing. But I feel so bad “asking” for signs. I should just trust The plan, right? Easier said than done. So I just prayed for peace & guidance.

And peace & guidance I sure did receive! So much so that it came in FIVE ways!

Towards the end of the week, I received a Facebook message from one of my friends in recovery from the Broken Hearts Club (she had struggled through IF & ended up being blessed with the adoption of a beautiful baby boy). She had a friend who had gone through IVF at FINO, which is the same office I go to, that had messaged her asking if she knew of anyone who could use some of the left over medicine she didn’t need anymore because they found out they were pregnant! Immediately my friend thought of me & asked me if I’d like the meds- 1 Follistim & 3 vials of Menopur- all unopened. WHAT??!!!!??  I said, “Definitely! Of Course! How much is she looking to sell them for?”

The reply: a chill-inducing “nothing.” She would GIVE them to us!! WHAT?!?!!? I mean, if that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is! lol I mean, God is just providing for us in ways we couldn’t even imagine! If you’ve gone through having to use injectable meds, then you KNOW how expensive they are. And THAT much medicine is worth a pretty penny. Such a blessing! I was overwhelmed. So we made arrangements for me to pick them up (in a trusty cooler, of course lol).

Later that day, David came home from working his last day of an eight day hitch (that was supposed to be seven days) just to tell me that he had to work an extra two nights of overtime during his “off” hitch this coming week. While I was (selfishly) disappointed that he wouldn’t have as much time off to spend with me as he normally does, he reminded me that maybe THIS was God’s way of providing funds for us to carry on with our next IVF plans. In my head, I was like: WOW. What a concept, Emily…lol.. DUH. My David is so good. I just love him so much!

On Saturday, we were invited to dinner at our good friends’ house. As the boys were outside tinkering with lawn mowers, the girls sat inside chatting. My friend said she just HAD to tell me about these dreams she had been having about me & David. She wasn’t sure if she should at first, but after the third dream, she knew she just HAD to. In short, the message at the end of every dream was this: “Tell them to just do their job, because I am doing mine.”

Wow. We could take this literally OR figuratively and it would still apply. David & I literally just need to go to work and earn money. And we need to keep doing our job as Christians: going to church, believing, sharing, praying, and having faith. God is doing His part. We just need to trust it! I am SO glad she shared this with us, because it just cemented the idea that we are doing the right thing. We just need to keep up the work.

So then Sunday (today) came around, we went to church, heard those awesome words from Jeremiah 29:11 (which totally just reassured me that I wasn’t reading too deeply into these messages from my friends…they were real), and we had a wonderfully lovely lunch with my family to celebrate David’s, my aunt’s, & my uncle’s birthdays. It was a truly GREAT day! We came home, and while I was picking my jewelry up on the board in my closet (maybe I’ll post a blog tutorial later about that simple project…it literally changed the way I get ready every day), I noticed a card that I had pinned up there. It was the card that a pair of earrings was on that was given to me on my birthday from my aunt. I had completely forgotten it was there & had looked over it no telling how many times. For some reason, it caught my eye today:

I mean…I wanted to just look up to Heaven & say, “I totally get it” LOL but I refrained. I just smiled & called David into my closet to show him.
What’s that old saying? “Ask and you shall receive?” haha
I asked for peace & guidance. And boy did I ever get peace & guidance:

• free ART meds
• three dream messages reassuring us to keep working
• more opportunities to work
• the inspiring verse at church
• the actual SIGN in my closet

I am so grateful for this life. As hard as it is sometimes, I am still grateful to be going through it. It has made me a stronger person, stronger than I ever thought possible. SIX failed ART cycles. Almost four years of negatives. That’s FORTY negatives. But I am strong. I have support. And I now know that I must keep “doing my job.” I must push through. I’ve heard, “God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers.” I wasn’t strong before, I was really weak. But now I am. And maybe I’m going through this for a bigger purpose. Maybe my struggles will help someone else. Who knows. For now, I know that I just need to keep on going.

Back to WORK tomorrow. We can do this! Thanks, Jeremiah 🙂

Much love!

Emily

 

Aisha Tyler Dropped a Bomb

My very first “re-blog!”
I MAY (and I use that word lightly) be getting the hang of this whole blogging thing!

Check this out- Aisha Tyler of the daytime show “The Talk,” comes clean of her struggles with IF.
What do you think about her courageous announcement?
I personally am so relieved that someone has opened up the floor for actual conversation on this heartbreaking topic.

Much love,
Emily

http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2013/09/the-ladies-of-the-talk-dish-on.html

My Blog

If you have ever watched “The Talk” on the CBS, you know that it is a pretty lighthearted, fun talk show with 5 fabulous women.  I watch because it’s just a fun show.  I love “The View” as well, but “The Talk” has always been more fun to watch for me.  This week, the ladies of the show have been sharing some of their secrets.  Secrets that not even their co-hosts knew about.  

Aisha Tyler dropped the Bomb that she is infertile.  That her chances of getting pregnant, even with IVF were less than 5%.  It was so crazy to her her story.  Only 4 minutes long, but it so resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you.  Whoever is reading.  Please watch and remember, we’re not alone.

http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2013/09/the-ladies-of-the-talk-dish-on.html

 

It’s especially hard because she and her husband have decided to not proceed with any more…

View original post 23 more words

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart…

…the waking up is the hardest part.” (John Mayer)

Welp. It’s time for me to wake up.
I know it’s going to be really hard, but it’s time for me to snap back into reality & face it: We are battling infertility.

The past couple of weeks (since our first failed IVF cycle) have been spent by me trying to get back to “normal.” Sure, I gave myself the (Emily) standard 3 days to deal with it…or not deal with it…cry, zone out, cry, sob,  talk-talk-talk my saintly husband’s ears off, and cry some more. But after that, I craved a sense of normalcy. Getting back to work helped; I teach 4 Latin dance aerobics classes & 4 yoga, tai chi, Pilates combo classes per week. But in order to really get back to it, I HAD to compartmentalize everything I had gone through over the past 6 weeks. It helped that the vast majority of my students had no clue why I “just needed to take a break.” That way, I could come back to class without all of the pity stares. My IVF didn’t work. And I don’t need the world (aka my small town) to know about it.

…continued more in a later post…

This blog is an attempt for me to come clean of my feelings with no judgment. I have no clue who will be reading this & I’m ok with that. But I do know one thing.
I literally would not be functioning right now if it wasn’t for two inherent truths:
1) I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. He cares for me. He cares about me. He is my ROCK & my knight in shining armor.
2) I have a God who loves me even more than that.

More coming very soon…once I figure out how all of this works!
Please feel free to check out our Back Story & Quick ART Stats. And definitely let me know if you have any questions or comments 🙂

Thanks,
Emily