Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’m trying to form this blog into an uplifting resource, but lately I’ve just been feeling “BLAH.” So, I didn’t feel like I really had anything helpful to say…until today.
Today has been the first day in a long time that I have nothing to do. Literally- nothing. I had plans to go shopping with a friend, but I seem to have either pulled a calf muscle or formed a ridiculously painful shin splint at the 5K I ran last Saturday. The pain kept getting worse throughout the week instead of better, which leads me to believe it’s a pulled muscle. So I decided to rest it today, which means two things: 1. no shopping and 2. extreme boredom. I think this was God’s way of telling me to slow down & stop ignoring and pushing back my feelings. I’ve been feeling this numb sadness trying to creep over me lately, almost like a gray cloud that I’m avoiding. I keep trying to distract myself from it. But today, in my boredom, it has finally been acknowledged. And I’m ready to deal with it.
I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure it’s what’s known as “The Holiday Blues.” I first noticed it around Halloween, when all the cute little dressed-up babies’ & kids’ pictures were posted everywhere on Facebook & Instagram. I mean, I’m pretty used to kids’ pics being posted ALL. THE. TIME. EV. ERY. WHERE… but these kiddos are SUPER cute all dressed up in their costumes! Then actual Halloween came around. I thought twice about just locking up the house & pretending we weren’t home to hand out candy, but I decided to put my big girl panties on & deal with it! I can’t keep myself in that “poor me” mindset. It’s too detrimental. I just can’t keep myself from experiencing life…as hard as it is sometimes.
Once Halloween passed, I had this overwhelming urge to decorate for Christmas.
THIS NEVER HAPPENS!
Last year, I didn’t even decorate… AT ALL. I asked David to take the decorations down from the attic, & 2 days later he was picking them up again because I just couldn’t do it. It was just too hard to think of having a tree & stockings with NO reason (or person for that matter) for Santa to visit. Maybe this was why I wanted to decorate so early this year…I’m making up for lost time I guess? Plus it was a great way to keep myself busy through our 7th wedding anniversary. Seven years. If one more person says, “Wow! Seven years? When are y’all going to have a kid already?” I may just throw up. In their face. On their shoes. On their kid…who knows. I do know it won’t be pretty.
I used to cringe at the thought of Christmas trees being up before Thanksgiving. But I dunno, this year seems different. In the midst of distracting myself, I decided to throw a Black Friday Shopping Party at my house (which again, never happens), and I decided to participate in TWO Christmas projects. One was adopting a needy family though church, and the other was gathering toys & clothes for the orphans in New Orleans. I volunteered to be a tour guide for our local Tour of Homes, AND write out the directions. I just keep adding to my plate in the hopes of staying crazy busy until January when we can start our 2nd IVF journey.
But then today happened. I’m seriously caught up on everything. I’ve completely decked out my house. I can’t actually GO shopping because of my leg. I’ve mapped out the tour directions. I’ve designed all of the promotions for my business through the end of the year. Caught up on BOTH DVRs. And as I was sitting on the couch I realized just exactly what I had been doing the past few weeks, and decided to blog about it. I truly believe this is my way of coping with things. It doesn’t take away the sadness, but it does help to get my feelings out of my head. And as David always says, “There’s more room out here than in there.” lol
The past four Thanksgivings and Christmases have been bittersweet. If I see one more “thankful” post like “my kids are the reason I breathe”….sigh…Am I breathing in vain because I don’t have kids? Think about what you’re saying, people! Is my existence less than because I’ve never had the chance to raise up tiny humans? Makes you think, doesn’t it.
Then Christmas comes around, and I get to buy all these presents for our nephews, nieces, and Godchildren. But it all makes me so sad about our situation; where are my kids? Then I comfort myself with the notion that THIS will be our last holiday as a family of two, that next year there will be SO MUCH joy everywhere we visit because our little bundle will be passed around our families, meeting new people, & playing with his/her new gifts. Yep this is it, I better enjoy the calmness now, because next year will be SO different…
And then, it’s not. The next year is never different. And it breaks my heart every time I think about it. This year will be the same way. I’ll be fantasizing about next year instead of enjoying this year. So please cut me some slack when I’m staring off into space, or I don’t want to see your adorable family on an overpriced, custom Christmas card, or if I have to excuse myself from wherever I am. It’s hard. And that’s ok. But I won’t chicken away from it. I’ll face it like I always do, with a mask of perfection & happiness. I’ll be loud (or quiet depending on the day). My jokes will be dumb. And I’ll probably even be a little sarcastically mean sometimes, but it’s my way of dealing. So, I’m saying now that I’m sorry.
I think this year will come with particular bitterness because we tried SO HARD. Church services will be difficult because I won’t truly be able to enjoy them. Seriously, A VIRGIN GAVE BIRTH TO A KING, and I can’t even get pregnant. Then I’ll feel guilty for thinking like that. I know that’s where my head will be & I hate going into it with that mindset. Hopefully I’ll snap out of it so I can truly celebrate Jesus’ birth as the true miracle that it is. I pray for a healed heart every day, and this is one of the reasons. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME IN THAT. I hate having a bitter heart.
I’ll be working hard this holiday season trying to stay afloat. I know the holidays are hard for a lot of people for all kinds of different reasons; so I’ll be praying for all of you too.
I promise to write & reach out for support if/when things get difficult. And I hope you do the same. It’s important that we all know that we have an amazing support team to help us through whatever it is we may be going through.
I’m sure I’ll check in again before Christmas, but just in case:
Feliz Navidad 🙂
Love,
Emily
faithinfertile 