CD53 for the win!

Hey guys,
Just thought I should write real quick in case any of you were wondering how this week went. I’ve had a couple people ask for an update, so here goes:

If you remember, last time I wrote, if I didn’t start CD1 by Monday I was going to have to call the doctor & make another appointment to figure out our options… more meds or surgery to get rid of the cyst.

Well, Monday morning came around, and still nothing. I ate breakfast, watched TV for a little while, and right before I was about to make the call, I decided to go to the bathroom. Well, lo & behold… guess what… I finally started! On CD53, Aunt Flow gracefully arrived for her 4 day stay. I was expecting it to be horrid, but it really wasn’t… on the physical side. The emotional side is a whole other story. But I’m just blaming that on my progesterone levels finally coming down. Yea… totally the hormones’ fault… I’m not owning any of that.

If you were one of those people who prayed for this situation: THANK YOU. Honestly, those words can’t express the gratitude I feel for your support.

If you’re one of those people who just doesn’t know how to talk to me about any of this, so you just don’t: I understand. I wouldn’t know what to say either.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read my previous posts. 😉

Once we wrap our heads around this, and take a little more time to process, I’ll probably update you again. We’ve been talking a lot. And there are a bunch of things that are just up in the air. But for now, here’s what I absolutely do know:

Prayers work.
Red lipstick is like armor.
Bling is the best distraction.
I’m married to a hormone-proof super hero.

And we have one embryo left.

“Wait. What?”

If you’re expecting an amazing update on our fertility journey, I hate to break it to you: there isn’t one.

Multiply the frustration that fosters up for you by about 674,832, and “Hi. I’m Emily.”

If this five-year fertility challenge has been the ultimate test in patience (as some of you have speculated), I think I deserve a medal. Or a cookie. Or SOMETHING. Maybe like a title? I don’t know… How about “Emily of Louisiana- the Princess of ‘Wait. What?'”

That’s what I find myself saying every time I go to the doctor, “Wait. What?” It’s a constant battle of confusion & frustration versus acceptance & “we’ve got this.” We know God is the ultimate story teller, and ours is no different. But a glimpse of our happy ending would be much appreciated right now.  As most of you know, neither David nor I have been diagnosed with anything specific in regards to our fertility troubles. Nothing is “wrong.” Which, in turn, just leads to more frustration & confusion.

The latest installment of “Wait. What?” has been very, very sneaky. It has slyly, little by little, day by day, slithered into our lives. And has literally forced us into a break.

-Warning- if you’re not a fan of TMI, I encourage you to skip this next couple of paragraphs.

After we learned about the chemical pregnancy on Dec 20th, my doctor ordered me to stop all medications. Soon after, on 12/26 my Cycle Day 1 (CD1) arrived (for those of you who aren’t privy to fertility terms: my period started…the day after Christmas). It was normal, and came & went in about 4 days. We weren’t ready at that point to dive right back in, because frankly we were getting over a devastating loss… and we kinda still are.

We went about our normal lives after the holidays. I tried to get back to work, not without some major challenges (see previous post). I had quite a few breakdowns in January. But I hid them well… at least I think I did. The days came & went, and came & went. And soon I found myself wondering, “Isn’t my next CD1 supposed to be here? It’s like CD35….hmm.” I learned long ago that I can NEVER get excited about that like other gals can. It most likely doesn’t mean something great. But, then again, you never know.

By the time CD40 came around, I decided to go ahead & take a pregnancy test. Could this be IT? Could, after all of this time & after all of these procedures & all of this money spent, could we just get naturally pregnant the month after a miscarriage?? It’s definitely possible! Anything is possible. Is it probable, though? Of course not. And just like that, 2.5 minutes later, we’re back to square one. Negative.

So I called my RE’s office, and we set up blood work & an ultrasound for the next day to see what was going on. After all, it could be a false negative. But either way, we need to find out.

Long story short, the ultrasound showed a cyst that was forming… gggggggrrrrreat. And my blood work confirmed that I am indeed not preggers (Newsflash!). But it also showed I still have a high level of progesterone in my system. It’s probably “leftover” from my last IVF cycle.

Cue the “Wait. What?” confusion, because I’ve already had a period since then… so that doesn’t make any sense to me. But anything’s possible, right? (Seriously…WHERE is that eye-rolling emoji when you need it?!?!?)

My doctor told me to wait it out for about two more weeks to see what happens. A lot of times, these things just even themselves out with time. If that’s not my case, (which c’mon is my case EVER that easy?), I have to call them to set up an appointment for more blood work & to decide what our next step is. It may be more shots, it may be a surgery. We won’t be sure until the results come back.

So that’s where we are. Cycle Day 51. If I don’t start by Monday, I have to make the call.

I’ve been trying to keep my mind off of it. Just letting the time pass on it’s own. I mean, worrying about it won’t make the time pass any faster; I know that. But I also feel like these past 51 days have turned this from a fertility journey into a “let’s make Emily actually function again” journey. And I hate that.

Have I ruined myself over these past 5 years? Probably.
Is it some sort of sign? Most likely.
But when, and where, and what would you stop at to get your babies?

.

.

ONE. EMBRYO. LEFT.

.

And we have the feeling that something BIG is on the horizon.
Prayers welcomed.